Buckle up, "Bachelor" fans! Monday night's episode was jam-packed with drama, tears, and virgin territory. (And that was all just from Ashley I.!)
First let us give you a mini-recap on tonight's three different dates…
Lake-Side Shenanigans: Chris planned a "natural" date, which apparently translates to a day at the lake in "Bachelor" land. Some ladies (Ahem, Kaitlyn) felt that the best way to grab the bach's attention was to strip down and show off their most ample assets—although let's be honest, we doubt that all of those bodacious body part are really au naturel.
Who Got the Rose: Kaitlyn.
Having a Ball: In order to decide who would be going on this week's coveted Cinderella-themed one-on-one date, Chris enlisted the help of his three sisters. (Don’t' worry, they weren't wicked — they actually seemed really sweet.) The Iowa ladies decided to honor fellow small-town girl Jade with a magical evening filled with dancing, kissing and getting to keep diamond earring and Christian Louboutin shoes. Sounds pretty freakin' magical to us!
Who Got the Rose: Jade.
Down and Dirty: The six remaining ladies were gifted with gorgeous white wedding gowns and were whisked away to San Francisco for a mysterious rendezvous with Chris. The group ended up having to trash their dresses in an unbelievably muddy obstacle course, where She-Hulk — aka Jillian — predictably dominated.
Who Got the Rose: No one. Sorry, Jillian — you’re the first person to get eliminated on a one-on-one setting this season. Looks like this is the one time your gigantic muscles and over-confidence couldn't help you.
Now it's time for the night's bachelorette superlatives…
Un-Happiest Camper: There was definitely one girl who wasn't enjoying the skinny-dipping dalliances at the lake. "This is absurd," Kelsey lashed to the camera. "My face is getting skinnier because I'm spending too much time fake smiling and just trying to enjoy this hell-hole. There are moments where I feel like taking a fork and just stabbing it into my eye." Damn, Kelsey! Much to her demise, Chris decided (and by Chris we mean the "Bachelor" producers) to surprise the girls with an over-night camping continuation of their date.
Most Dramatic: Virgin and Kim Kardashian-wannabe, Ashley I. was determined to steal Chris' attention on the camping crusade, but when she didn’t get the group-date-rose, she whined and complained. Then, when Jade was picked by Chris' sisters to go on the Cinderella-themed date, Ashley I. proceeded to bitch and moan, while she sulked around the house in her own "princess dress." To top it off, when she finally flat-out confessed to being a virgin, and Chris didn't kiss her after their talk, she proceed to hysterically cry for the rest of the cocktail party.
Craziest: Ladies and, well, ladies — we finally have our first love-bomb of the season! After chanting random-nothings at the fireside, notoriously crazy Ashley S. decided to use her one-on-one time with Chris to mumble her true feelings. "At this point, Chris, I really love you and I love everything about you," she said to the stunned-silent bachelor. "I actually really do feel that way, so I hope that resonates within your mind tonight." Keep in mind this is only week four, people. Week. Freaking. Four.
Best Line of the Night: "I think I gave up after the big balls, because then I was just offended." Carly on the difficulties of having balls fly at her face during the obstacle course.
"I Could Definitely See Myself With…: In tonight's episode of "The Bachelor," Chris said this sentence (yet again!) and finished it off with Kaitlyn, and Jade, and Jillian.
Chris' Craziest Moment: "When Jillian's talking I become very confused because the words come out much faster then my mind can process," he said while on the date with the obnoxiously fit news producer. "Occasionally as Jillian's words begin to flow over my head, I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies. It's quite beautiful."
Who Went Home: Say goodbye to Jillian, Nikki, Julia, and (finally!) Ashley S. Chris' last words to kooky Ashley S. was "take care of yourself" and we definitely agree! Good luck, girl. Here's hoping your days are filled with millions of onions on the mesa verde.