Here's everything that's going on:
Jessica Simpson posted a swimsuit photo to her Instagram account early on Tuesday morning (above). She also included a caption reading "Jessica Johnson," as if to remind her followers that the sacred vow of marriage will not stop her from sharing her semi-clothed form with us.
Maria Menounos wore a skin-tight crop top/skirt combo while promoting her new show "Untold With Maria Menounos" on Monday (below), and simply by virtue of us printing those words, she has succeeded in her endeavor.
Lindsay Lohan told the BBC that she's considering a permanent relocation to London because the UK's celebrity coverage isn't as pervasive. (But don't worry, Linds! Wherever you go, we'll still be talking about you back here at home!)
Archie Comics CEO Jon Goldwater confirmed that Archie will get gunned down and die in an upcoming issue (below), but failed to mention whether Riverdale's favorite son named Betty or Veronica as the sole beneficiary of his life insurance policy. (We smell hijinks!)
"Saturday Night Live" cast member Brooks Wheelan revealed on Twitter that he was recently fired from the show, probably because "Who?" was likely your first reaction upon hearing the name "Brooks Wheelan."
On the heels of her departure from "The View," Jenny McCarthy announced on Monday that she'll now be hosting a live SiriusXM radio show called "Dirty, Sexy, Funny With Jenny McCarthy." McCarthy's fiance Donnie Wahlberg is slated to be one of her first guests, as well as one of her only regular listeners.
In an interview with Harper's Bazaar, Cameron Diaz squashed a rumor that she once hooked up with Drew Barrymore, going so far as to say that it "makes me want to vomit in my mouth." That's a pretty harsh thing to say, especially for a gal who freely talks about bowel movements on TV.
Possibly because her sister Scout's nipples have been hogging all the attention lately, Rumer Willis went ahead and got herself a blonde bob (below).
Swimsuit Issue covergirl Chrissy Teigen revealed that she was once fired from mall-based clothing retailers Forever 21 for being too fat. But in Forever 21's defense, maybe they told her she was too phat. You know, with a "ph." After all, this is the same company that caters to the Orange Julius and Panda Express crowd.
Bethenny Frankel is drawing backlash for dressing up in her 4-year-old daughter's clothes and sharing the pic on Instagram (below). She later defended her actions by claiming she did it at the child's request, which presumably means that Frankel will also buy the girl 100 magical ponies should she ever request them.
Jezebel got their hands on before and after photographs from Terry Richardson's photoshoot with 44-year-old singer Mariah Carey, and then helpfully pointed out all his instances of airbrushing and photo manipulation. So if you've been living under the delusion that Carey is a perpetual 43-year-old, prepare to be slightly shocked.
On Saturday night in West Hollywood, "Mad Men" actress Christina Kendricks donned a short blonde wig for a night out on the town, immediately transforming her from the living embodiment of Jessica Rabbit to the reincarnated form of Marilyn Monroe.
And finally, Pizza Hut is now offering four promotional "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle" pizzas, just in case you always dreamed of eating the same gross pizzas they frequently devoured in their disgusting, sewer-based dwelling.