'Duck Dynasty' finale: Will Phil celebrate 'pagan' Halloween?

Halloween is just around the corner, and the Robertsons’ pulled out all the stops at “Duck Dynasty” headquarters. 

“We’re going to turn the warehouse into the SCAREhouse,” declared Korie. Most of the crew was excited about hosting the trick or treat festival, but Jase had his reservations.

“Let me guess, by ‘we,’ you mean ‘us,’” said Jase.

“Exactly,” smiled Kori.

“I want this thing to be killer,” said Willie, holding a bloodied plastic arm. “No pun intended.”

Jase was not particularly enthused about the idea of wearing a costume–or about Halloween in general. 

“I’ve never really understood why people get so excited about dressing up during Halloween,” groused Jase. “Let’s just call Halloween what it is–a weird fashion show for candy.”

As the “Duck Dynasty” crew got to work building a maze for the haunted house, they started debating what movie was the scariest of all time. Jase declared his favorite to be the classic 1978 slasher flick, “Halloween.”

“There’s something about a man with a mask and a butcher knife,” explained Jase.

“Yeah, I watched that one with my eyes closed,” noted Godwin.

“I like Freddy Cougar,” added Uncle Si, misnaming Freddy Krueger. “Now, he’s scary. I’m talking about–hey–Freddy Cougar, the scariest movie of all. Hey, look–the guy comes you at you when you’re asleep. That scares me, because I sleep a lot.”

One of the Robertson brothers had a different definition of terror.

“That movie ‘Ghost,’ that was scary horror movie,” declared Jep.

“You mean that movie that Whoppi Goldberg was in?” asked Jase incredulously. “That’s not a horror movie.”

“That was a chick flick,” added Godwin.

“Yeah, but it was still scary,” said Jase, defensively.

Meanwhile, back at the Robertson compound, Miss Kay was busy in the kitchen, decorating cupcakes and telling ghost stories to the grandchildren. 

Phil tried to sample some of Miss Kay’s baked goods, but was swatted away. 

“No, no sir,” chided Miss Kay. “This is for people who participate in Halloween. No dress-up, no cup cakes.”

It seemed that Phil and Jase share similar feelings about the spooky holiday.

“Well, I’m not much into All Hallows’ Eve, or Halloween as they call it,” explained Phil. “Pagan holidays, not my particular cup of tea. But throw a bunch of cup cakes into the mix, and hey–I can suffer through it for a day or two. But trust me–I’m not into it.”

Phil did, however, seem to be into carving pumpkins. 

Leading the kids to an outdoor picnic table, Uncle Phil instructed his grandchildren to treat the pulpy orange squash as if it was a freshly killed mallard duck.

“Gutting a duck is a particular skill that every man, woman and child should know,” said Phil. “Of course, it’s not duck season yet, but we do have plenty of pumpkins.”

Phil attacks a pumpkin with particular skill and flair. 

“Anything that involves a lot of knife work, that’s a good thing,” explained Phil, as he mimicked a series of quick slashing motions. “River rat Benihana’s.”

After successfully carving a jack-o-lantern, his grandkids were not impressed.

“More scary,” one pleaded. “A beard,” suggested another.

“You want a beard on him, I’ll give you a beard on him,” Phil told the children, squarely aiming his shotgun at the defenseless squash.

After the gourd splattered everywhere, Phil was satisfied. “Now, that is how you carve a pumpkin.”

Back at the SCAREhouse, the kids had a frightful time, being spooked by a condemned Godwin in an electric chair, zombie teenagers and Uncle Si dressed as a giant, crazed beaver.

After failing to scare anyone in his Freddy Cougar–um, Krueger–outfit, Willie reflected on the importance of unity. 

“Halloween is awesome for many reasons. Of course, there’s the candy, dressing up in non-matching outfits and you can’t forget scaring the crap out of little kids. But the best part of Halloween is that everyone gets to come together–not just as family, but as a community. Young and old, friends and neighbors, all together in the name of good fun–and candy.”

Now that the fourth season of "Duck Dynasty" is over, you may be worried about going through “Duck Dynasty” withdrawals. Fear not! A&E will air a very special one-hour holiday program on December 5 entitled, “I’m Dreaming of a Redneck Christmas.” Something called “Pirducken” will be involved (don’t ask). 

If December is just too long to wait, there’s a new “Duck Dynasty” game for mobile devices called “Battle of the Beards,” and is available at the iTunes store for iPhones ($.99) and iPads ($1.99).