Published October 10, 2013
Willie Robertson was being something of a jerk on the latest episode of A&E’s “Duck Dynasty”–he ordered a case of wildebeest biltong–a thick, exotic cured meat from South Africa–and refused to share it with anyone.
“Anybody who knows about real beef jerky, knows about biltong,” Willie explained. “Biltong is delicious.”
The smell of Willie’s biltong was so pungent, it brought Jase and Uncle Si straight into Willie’s office. “I smell me some meat,” said Jase. “I’m part bloodhound. The nose don’t lie.”
“I smell meat,” chimed in Uncle Si. “Let’s eat, son.”
Willie, however, was not giving up the jerky. “This is mine, I put Jack Link’s in the break room for you guys,” the Duck Commander CEO explained. “I’m not here to feed you guys, you’re here to work.”
“Are you serious, you’re not going to share that?” asked a slightly bewildered Jase.
“Mmmm-hmmm,” replied Willie, licking the biltong.
“That’s just wrong,” said Jase, leaving Willie’s office in disgust. “That’s it, I’m out of here. You’re a terrible brother.”
Having been denied a share of Willie’s biltong, Jase and Uncle Si were left with an insatiable hankering for dried meat.
“We have, as rednecks, the right to eat beef jerky,” explained a ticked off Jase. “Beef jerky is a redneck’s fuel. You take away his beef jerky, he’s sitting in the corner, sucking his thumb. Everyone knows that.”
To remedy the wrong, the Duck Commander crew decided take the afternoon off and make their own jerky, using Martin’s venison and Godwin’s dehydrator.
“You don’t want to share your jerky, fine,” grumbled Jase. “I’ll make my own biltong, and I’ll call it ‘Jase-tong.’”
Meanwhile, after a visit to the doctor, Phil and Miss Kay were worried about their mortality. They went to visit Willie--who was still in his office, eating his biltong-- to share their concerns.
“Well, simply put,” Phil told Willie. “We’re dying,” finished Miss Kay.
“You’re both dying?” asked a confused Willie.
“Miss Kay and I are healthy as we can be, as far as I know,” explained Phil. “If you made it 65 years, you’re like, way ahead of the game, but we will go.”
“So, no one’s dying, right?” clarified Willie.
“Well, not at the moment,” admitted Miss Kay.
“We just want to make sure that what we leave behind is in order,” said Phil.
“Is this about your will?” asked Willie.
“Who gets what, you know, so you don’t fight,” answered Phil. “So, I’m saying let’s go down there, look at the property lines, get it all divided up.”
“Today?” Willie asked.
“Today,” said Phil, firmly. “Right now.”
So, Phil and Willie leave the office to tour the massive Robertson compound, where Willie learns that instead of getting the house (like Alan), or the land next to the river (like Jase) or the land next to the lake (like Jep), he ends up with the property that soon will have a pipeline running through it.
Back at Godwin’s cluttered shed, the Duck Commander crew is having a hard time locating the dehydrator. Instead, they find a pair of minibikes and a quad. Naturally, Jase, Jep and Godwin decide it would be a good idea to have a race, with Uncle Si officiating. Riding the quad, Jase had a distinct advantage, and won the race.
“The flying flea has been swatted,” bragged Jase upon his victory.
The crew finally locates Godwin’s dehydrator, and bring it back to Duck Commander HQ.
“Where in the crap have y’all been?” asked Martin, who was carefully laying out strips of raw venison on a work table. “You all have been gone for four hours.”
“OK, we got a little sidetracked in the pursuit of Godwin’s dehydrator,” admitted Jase. “But we’re one step closer to delicious deer jerky.”
Unfortunately, Martin’s meat was not quite up to par, with flies attacking the raw meat and Uncle Si comparing the smell to his underwear.
“There was cause for concern,” Jase said, with some understatement.
Willie’s wife Korie, horrified by the rank smell, authorized the use of the company credit card to buy some more Jack Link’s for the crew.
“If it tastes as bad as it smells, then y’all don’t need to be eatin’ that,” she said of the homemade jerky.
Willie, as usual, was philosophical about the situation.
“On any given day, you expect life to throw you some curve balls,” said Willie. “Like Phil taking me out on the land so he can tell me how much I won’t be inheriting. Or when the guys blow off work to make jerky that smells like Si’s underwear. It just goes to show you that life isn’t always about living up to your expectations. It’s the pleasant surprises that keep us coming back for more.”