'DWTS' Recap: First couple of season 14 gets the boot

After two performances, it's time to say bye-bye to the first couple of Season 14. 

Are Martina and Tony doomed? Or did the show have a shocking boot?

Oh, that's nice. Brooke let one of her kids make her dress out of a Victoria's Secret bag. Either that or she's just teleported here from the future. Dress Watch 2012 is gonna be the end of me.

Anyhow, after an opening number by the pros and the troupe (anyone else forget about these guys?), we get down to business with the lowest-scoring women.

First two safe couples:

Melissa and Maks
Gladys and Tristan

Martina and Tony are — surprise, surprise — in jeopardy. I know the end is nigh for my girl, but you have to love what a good sport she is. She knows the writing's on the wall, so why not just enjoy it? The top scorers hit the stage next after some soccer moms in the balcony drool over William. Sigh. When can we stop with the teenybopper screams and tongue-bathing? It's gonna be a looong season.

Next two safe couples:

Jaleel and Kym
William and Cheryl

Roshon and Chelsie are in jeopardy.

You know when I hate the troupe? When they serve as pointless filler. You know when I love the troupe? When Tom rightfully points out that it gave us Tristan. So I can never truly hate it. I do hate package fillers. Uh, who actually wants to leave first? And lame for including Martina's totally unconvincing declaration that "It's not gonna be me [leaving first]" and William's "Bruno hasn't seen me topless yet." Don't egg him on, man.

Katie Couric's in the house! Before the top-scoring ladies learn their fate, Brooke informs us that Maria has two broken ribs, but she decides to eschew the sympathy card for the Greek card. Guys, is Maria Greek? She never mentions it!

Next three safe couples:

Maria and Derek
Katherine and Mark
Sherri and Val ... and Sherri erupts in a crazy holy dance. I feel like she would react this way even if she were eliminated.

Next two safe couples:

Donald and Peta
Jack and Anna

Gavin and Karina join Martina and Tony, and Roshon and Chelsie in jeopardy. We will learn the actual bottom two this week, which are Gavin and Karina, and Martina and Tony.

And the first couple leaving is... Martina and Tony.

"It was an honor to meet you," Gavin tells her. You bet your hat it was! Martina, gracious as ever, says she blew it yesterday and hopes to get to redo the jive on the finale. I am bummed, even though it was obviously coming. Ballroom dancing has not been very kind to my tennis idols. Monica Seles left first in Season 6 and Martina Hingis was eliminated first on Britain's Strictly Come Dancing. It's OK, Martina. The Mirrorball trophy would just clash with your nine Wimbledon trophies.

That's that. What did you think? Did Martina deserve the boot? Should Maria be dancing with two broken ribs? Will Sherri ever dial it back a few notches? How soon will Bruno get William topless? Who's your current pick to win?

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