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14 Oscar jokes for Billy Crystal, free of charge

The past two years I, Dr. Oscar, have offered some complimentary jokes for the hosts of the Academy Awards

They were jokes which I (and most of you) thought were funny, and the Oscar audiences would have loved. 

But they never made air. 

Do you remember the clever quips from hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin in 2010? Or the hilarious zingers from hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway last year? 

Of course not – because there weren’t any.

This year, I’m again offering more free jokes for the Oscar show. And good news – my favorite host Billy is Crystal is back for a ninth time. I wrote these especially for him, and I know that he’ll appreciate them. 

So Billy – please feel free to read, laugh and lift. No strings. Maybe you can give the Fox411 a shout-out if you have time, but no pressure. Our readers will know where they came from, and I guarantee you that the audience (and the world) will be grateful.

1. Good evening and welcome to the 84th Annual Academy Awards, or as I get to call it: “Mission Impossible Nine: Host Protocol.”

2. Security is especially tight, because there are people who want to keep the Oscars from being an exciting, entertaining and magical night. So James Franco is watching the show from home this year.

3. Tonight we celebrate the best drama from 2011. Ironically, much of it occurred while preparing for the Oscar telecast. Hollywood hasn’t seen people hired, fired and replaced so fast since “The Help.”

4. One of the biggest stories of the year has to be the success of “The Artist.” Such an unlikely Oscar contender. No big stars, no color, no dialogue and looks like it’s a hundred years old. It’s like watching this year’s Republican primary.

5. There are so many big stars here tonight, like George Clooney - nominated for best actor in “The Descendants.” In the film, he plays a man whose wife falls into a coma and may never wake up. It turns out that he had just made her watch “Syriana.”

6. “Moneyball” is up for six awards tonight, including best actor for Brad Pitt and best supporting actor for Jonah Hill. The only person not happy was Angelina. Turns out that she had wanted Jonah be their sitter on Oscar night.

7. There’s Meryl Streep, who celebrates her record 17th nomination for her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher in “The Iron Lady.” It’s funny, when she was offered the role of the toughest skirt in 1980’s Britain, she thought she was being asked to play Boy George.

8. Also in the best actress category, Glenn Close for “Albert Nobbs.” If she loses, she’ll tie the record for actress with most nominations without a win. Good news for you Glenn – I don’t know anyone who voted for you.

9. In the best supporting actor category is Christopher Plummer, nominated for “Beginners.” He plays a man who comes out of the closet at the age of 75. It’s his gayest role since Captain von Trapp in “The Sound of Music.”

10. One of the most-talked performances of year has got to be Octavia Spencer’s in “The Help.” Not only is she a great actress, but she’s incredibly gracious. If she doesn’t win, she’s promised to leave the show early to help make pastries at the Governor’s Ball.

11. The hilarious film “Bridesmaids” is up for two awards tonight. It’s about a group of self-absorbed women who plan for a wedding in which everything goes wrong. The working title was “The Kardashians.”   

12. Iran has an entry in the foreign language film category. “A Separation” deals with issues like divorce, child custody, domestic violence and manslaughter. Iranian President Ahmadinejad described it as “the best comedy of the year.”

13. As usual, we do expect the show to run late. How late? Let’s put it this way: “Midnight in Paris” could actually be named best picture at midnight in Hollywood.

14. By the time the show is over, all your burning Oscar questions will finally be answered. The only thing we’ll still be asking is, “What was the meaning of ‘The Tree of Life?’”

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