These poor Jersey Shore kids can't catch a break!
First there’s Mike, who sprains his neck bashing his own head into a brick wall and no one even feels sorry for him! He's left to moan softly to himself in pain on the patio. Wouldn’t that be the perfect time for the pigeons to attack?
But no such luck. He just complains about how he has to wear a neck brace, which is totally messing up his GTL time. He even wants to leave Italy because of his crippling inability to turn his head quickly, but Ronnie persuades him to stay for some reason. Maybe he lost a bet.
Ah, sad, misunderstood Ronnie. What's wrong with Sammi that she can't understand why he'd explode with rage, then buy her flowers, then throw the flowers in the trash, then come into her room and tell her he loves her? It's all so simple!
Snooki squeezes the absolute legal minimum of her body into a teeny black dress and gets offended when she walks past a church and a priest says, "Can you cover your body please, when you come in front of church?" The nerve! She says God likes her . . . features. After all, he made them.
"He didn't make mine," Jenni points out.
Later, Snooki calls her boyfriend, Jionni. "You make me happy and I want to suck your butt,” she tells him, and then belches into the phone.
She's surprised when he's upset. "I'm sorry, that's me. You know that's me." And, to be fair, she has a point. He's dating Snooki from Jersey Shore, so if he's waiting for class and sophistication he'd better pack a lunch.
At any rate, he's worried about his upcoming visit to Italy, and Snooki's worried that their opposites-attract relationship might not be working as well as she thought. Relationship Expert Ronnie says, "Don't change yourself for someone else. Take it from me."
Deena finally finds a way to touch Pauly D when he lets her do his hair. She styles him a fancy fauxhawk, which he accessorizes with a headband and aviator shades. "Yo, I look like them guidos on TV that be trying too hard," he says, staring at himself in the mirror. He decides his new name is Joey D and he gets Vinnie to play along, as they dress up in track suits to be "ultimate guidos."
Confused? So was Deena.
"The boys keep talking about these track suit costumes. And I'm just, like, that's not a costume. That's your normal clothes."
And there's lots of Chapstick.
"Fist pump, pushups, Chapstick!" Joey D chants. "All we need is FPC!"
Vinnie agrees. Meta-irony? Could they really be that self-aware? Probably not.
In other news, Sammi is still not pleased that Ronnie was calling other girls, even though he and Sammi weren't dating at the time. If you're tired of hearing about Ronnie and Sammi's relationship, imagine how the roommates feel. "It's like listening to the same annoying record, over and over and over," Vinnie says.
And Pauly is thinking that Mike might have had the right idea by smashing his head against the wall. Are Ronnie and Sammi back together? Sammi doesn't even seem to know for sure. "I think right now me and Ron are together. Granted it's just tonight. Who knows what's going to happen tomorrow?"
Vinny politely tells the two of them that if they start going at it, they should take it elsewhere, because no one wants to hear them fight anymore.
Snooki is still mad at Mike for blabbing about the two of them hooking up, which she still denies happened. He finally admits he made a mistake . . . by telling Ronnie, when he really should have confided in Pauly.
They all go out drinking, and Ronnie busts out with some kind of Jersey Shore-infused Greek wedding dance and promptly falls on the floor. You'd think that would be the highlight of the evening, but then some girl throws a drink at Deena, and both Deena and Snooki chase after her, punching wildly . . . at each other. "I'm pulling this girl's hair, and some girl's pulling my hair. And then I realize: it's my meatball, Deena," Snooki says.
Oh, and remember Elis, Deena's cute waiter? He came back. With a hickey. From his sister. Hopefully you weren't a big Elis fan because that's probably the last we'll be seeing of him.
Everyone's just sick about how Jionni's embarrassed by Snooki's embarrassing behavior, and they want to hold an intervention. Snooki doesn't see the point. "I'm not addicted to heroin. I'm just addicted to my boyfriend's penis, that's all."
But they all think Jionni's no good for her, especially Jenni, who's become a real busybody this season, just all up in everybody's business. "You have to understand," Jenni says. "I'm not gonna pretend everything's cheese and daisies."
Well, no, we certainly wouldn't want you to do that, Jenni. At least, we probably wouldn't, if we had any idea what that meant.
--Christine Lusey, PopNews Wire