Can we make it two whole episodes without any Sammi and Ronnie drama?
How many times will the roommates fall down drunk?
Can Mike possibly get any skeevier?
All these questions and more are answered in this week's "Jersey Shore."
Pauly is pursued relentlessly by Deena, who swears she just wants to be "friends with benefits," but Pauly begs off, unconvinced any girl could possibly have sex with him without instantly falling in love. Or else he's repulsed by her. It's one of those two.
It's the first Sunday in Italy! So it's off to the grocery store to prepare for their traditional Sunday night dinner. Except, whoops — all the package labels seem to be in Italian for some reason. What could it mean? Deena is perplexed. "It's so hard in a grocery store trying to figure out what the hell is what. You're reading and it's, like, different words. Like, what the hell is this? Like, nothing is in English."
Sammi volunteers herself and Deena to cook the meal, and what could go wrong with that? "These are, like, weird strawberries," Sammi says, sniffing a small container of red fruit. "Are these good like this?" Um, yeah, those are raspberries. They're fine.
Also, you're cooking chicken cutlets.
Meanwhile, Snooki's new boyfriend might not be the Prince Charming we were led to believe. "I don't know how you can go through an entire day without talking to me," he complains to her on the phone. That sure is a puzzler, Jionni!
Fortunately, Mike is right there to console Snooki and take every opportunity to put his hands all over her. "You know, if Jionni can't make Snooki happy, The Situation's happy to step up to the plate and hit a homer," he says in a skin-crawling confessional.
We learn that this season the gang will be "working" in what Sammi calls "a Domino's version of Italy pizza," on the way to which they spot the Vatican!
Reminder: they're in Florence.
Single Ronnie becomes Sloppy Drunk Ronnie at a club, running his mouth to Jenni about how he's going to bring his "friend" Hannah from back home to visit him and sticking four bloated, sweaty fingers in Sammi's face to make sure she knows he slept with four women.
And who sticks his beak in to stir things up further? Who else? The next day, while the group (minus hung-over Ronnie) tries to convince Sammi she just needs to move on, Mike is for some reason compelled to tell her how Ronnie bragged he was going to bring home several women the night before. He must have some Jerk Quota to fill each day.
Mike also realizes that his only real shot for girls in Italy is dopey American foreign exchange students, and he picks one lucky lady up for some quick . . . oh, it's too horrible to mention ... in the Smush Room. Then he offers to call a cab for her, because he's a gentleman like that. But why does Snooki care so much? Is she falling for Mike? Is she pathologically drawn to jerks?
They all share a lovely rooftop lunch at a nearby restaurant, where they spot the Vatican again. "That's the one that Leonardo da Vinci painted with his hands," Ronnie tells them, though Vinnie corrects him and says it was Michelangelo.
Are the cameramen drugged? How do they keep from laughing?
In a brief moment of sobriety, Sammi and Ronnie talk about their relationship. Sammi confesses that she misses him, but Ronnie recalls their fights in Jersey and would prefer a spiked bat up his back side, thank you very much.
These clowns fall down drunk six times.
And not once anywhere near the Vatican.
--Christine Lusey, PopNews Wire