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The Best Jokes You Won't Hear at the Oscars

SteveAlec

Hosting the Oscars is no easy task. Just ask David Letterman. (Remember the “Uma…Oprah” bit?)

Keeping the show moving and the audience laughing for as long as four hours requires a lot of humor. But not just any humor – OSCAR humor.

To help out this year’s co-hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, Fox411 was has come up with some award-worthy jokes. We think they’re pretty funny, and bet that the Academy (and Oscar audience) will, too.

INTERACTIVE: Click here to vote for your Oscar predictions

So Steve and Alec – please feel free to read, laugh and lift from the list below. And if you use any of them, maybe you can give 411 a little plug. That’s not too complicated, is it?

1. Good evening and welcome to the Kodak Theatre. Or as it's known tonight - The Hurt Locker.  That's right. By the time the night is over, most of the people in this room will be in pain.

2. We're your hosts for the show - Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Or as we're known tonight - Inglourious Basterds. At least we will be after you've heard all our jokes.

3. This is a very special Academy Awards ceremony. We have twice the nominated films, twice the hosts, and surprise - a show that will be twice as long! But look on the bright side - you'll get to spend an entire night with the two of us. (PAUSE) Which won't be the first time for most of you. (PAUSE) Ahem, Morgan Freeman.

4. This year we celebrate a wide variety of outstanding motion pictures. There are action films that feature some of the most sophisticated battle sequences ever depicted on screen. Movies like "Avatar," "District 9"... "Precious." Now there's a film that gives new meaning to the phrase "television smash."

5. Steve Martin: Tonight we have a former married couple competing against each other for best director. Kathryn Bigelow for "The Hurt Locker" and James Cameron for "Avatar." Talk about a custody fight. James already has one Oscar, for "Titanic." It must be rough for Kathryn. I can't imagine how I would feel if my ex-wife had an Oscar and I didn’t. (PAUSE) Alec?

6. In all seriousness, I was very impressed by “The Hurt Locker.” To see a film about young American men in a strange land, danger lurking everywhere, longing to get home…oh wait, I’m thinking of “The Hangover.”

7. How can we not mention Meryl Streep? She's nominated for a record 16th time, for "Julie and Julia." (Not be confused with "Darling and Pretty Woman.") She's won twice. I think that she really wants to win again. At a recent event she was spotted handing out DVD's to Academy members, to boost her chances. The DVD? "All About Steve."

8. Speaking of Sandra Bullock, she's a best actress nominee for "The Blind Side." Incredible performance. There's already a sequel in the works. She'll be taking in Mo'Nique's character from "Precious." But it will maintain the football theme. I believe the working title is "Hell Mary."

9. Woody Harrelson is here, up for his moving performance in "The Messenger." He was previously nominated for "The People vs. Larry Flynt." He's been so successful in film that most of us have forgotten that he was just once a TV sitcom actor. Here's to you, Woody. Cheers.

10. A lot of first time nominees tonight. Colin Firth, best actor nominee for "A Single Man." Also known as Bridget Jones' boyfriend's diary. His director Tom Ford actually told him that he was fat before filming began. I can't wait to see what happens on the set of Ford's next movie. He's directing a film version of "The Biggest Loser."

11. There's Carey Mulligan, who plays a young woman seduced by an older, married man in “An Education.” Unfortunately John Edwards wasn't available to play himself.

12. George Clooney is here, nominated for "Up in the Air." I hear it's a great film, I haven't seen it. I'm still trying to get through "Syriana."  

13. Last year’s best supporting actress Penelope Cruz is back again, as a nominee for “Nine.” Think of it as “Chicago” – Italian style. Kind of like Pizzeria Uno.

14. Good luck to all the nominees tonight. Remember, there really are no certainties. You don’t know that you won’t win…unless you’re a Democrat in Massachusetts.

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